I'm so pretty
+ 'My 5 Year Plan' Poem
Dear Swee-tea,
I am really pretty.
WOAH. That’s pretty conceited!! Perhaps you think I’m arrogant, perhaps you agree but don’t think I should say it out loud let alone put it in writing. However you feel, it is undeniable that for most woman, acknowledging their own attractiveness is akin to uttering a slur. Uncomfortable, unthinkable, because for an attractive woman to have an attractive personality she should be unaware of her attractiveness. Or at least, that’s what I have noticed. My own personal disconcertion when I see a confident woman. My instinct to judge, criticise, and then the disappointment once I notice my response and that my first instinct isn’t ‘good for her!’. But at least I am noticing. It’s the same relationship I have with myself: my default is to criticise and judge.
Whilst I am sure this is not a problem exclusive to women, I do think women are conditioned within our society to take up less space, minimise their discomfort, and suffer in silence. Just one example of this is the millions of girls who go to work and school with debilitating period pain.
Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman. Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and play? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax – without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.
— Nicola Jane Hobbs —
As someone in constant pain who is constantly told how ‘well’ I look, I have grown up fairly detached from my physical appearance. I know how lucky I am to have avoided the crippling body image issues that most women I know have to contend with daily.
I want girls to grow up knowing that their value has nothing to do with their looks. I don’t want anyone to be ashamed of their body for any reason. I want everyone to feel comfortable and confident to say how they feel, to be able to ask for what they want and need without fear. But this is not the world we live in… yet. I notice how often I minimise my discomfort, how frequently I am afraid to take up space, or how I find it impossible to rest without apology or guilt.
Noticing is the first step, and I invite you to notice too, in the hopes that eventually, the example we set changes the society we inhabit, so that when a girl calls herself pretty, it isn’t so controversial.
5 Year Plan
Another Poetry Orchard Workshop poem, inspired by my mother asking me to write a ‘5 year plan’.
In five years time? I hope I have held onto these soul ties But if I have to let them go I hope it's easier than last time In four years time. I'd like to know how to love myself To trust myself -- to walk away from situations and conversations To staunch my blood rather than using it to paint a more palatable portrait In three years time! Have I met you yet? I hope so. There are so many people I want you to meet and I am afraid it'll be too late. Please come find me soon, I am tired from the wait. My mum told me to stay still in the supermarket when I was lost. But I rarely listened. I was too scared. In two years time-- No! It's too soon, too much pressure. But I hope we have hugged, smelt each other's skin. Because it's not weird to want to know the scent of someone you love. Because then you have something to remind you of someone you love. Because then you are reminded you have someone to love. Am I someone to love?
I cannot begin to express how healing, joyful, and FUN these workshops are. I really hope you come along to one soon, upcoming themes include
I would be delighted to see you there!
Thanks for reading!
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Love,
HB x
May Favourites
☀️ Good News: Celebrating my dear friend Patrick’s 90th Birthday! It is a pleasure and honour to have somebody so supportive and kind in my life! Family from Germany was also able to visit this month which was delightful.
📚 Book: Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
This book depicts the wonderful and the difficult parts of friendship using two video game designers. There are some really refreshing descriptions of grief, chronic pain, and what it is like to grow up with video games and the positive impact they can have when life feels too much to bear. The main characters are skilfully drawn, and one protagonist is disabled which is a rarity. I also really enjoyed the perspectives on generational gaps, appropriation, working in a creative industry, and cancel culture. If you enjoy video games, John Green novels, or following multiple characters as they grow up, I think you would like this book! However, I would highly recommend checking trigger warnings before reading as there are some difficult topics featured.
🎭 Theatre: My lovely cousin Jamie invited me to see Wicked with him for his birthday and we had a delightful time! It is an incredible show and we had fun singing the music on the way back too. Jamie is a fantastic singer (and person!!)
🍿 Movie: About Time and Billy Elliot
A Working Title season it seems! About Time is a favourite to watch with my Dad and we have very fond memories associated with ping pong and the seaside!
📺 TV: Brooklyn 99, Bridgerton
🖋️ Journal Prompt: How would you like your inner voice to sound?
🎶 Music: I’m Back by girl in red, Pretty Girl Lie by Baby Queen, Risk by Gracie Abrams